ITEM LD-0001
Official Website Background Tile
The exact woodgrain pattern currently behind this sentence, printed once on a 3½-inch floppy disk label.
$9,995.00
Floppy disk not included. Pattern may repeat.
Luxury Products
Rare objects for the financially unrestrained.
ITEM LD-0002
One Foot of Historic Railroad Track
Nonexclusive viewing rights to approximately twelve inches of rail buried beneath the beer garden.
$485,000.00
Track remains in place. Viewing obstructed by ground.
ITEM LD-0003
The Password “beerlington”
A nonexclusive personal license to know and quietly remember the Low Daily guest Wi-Fi password.
$72,000.00
Wi-Fi remains complimentary. Password may already be known.
ITEM LD-0004
Executive Guestbook Pen
A distinguished writing instrument of uncertain whereabouts. Appropriate for important Internet comments.
$14,750.00
Pen may be missing. Chain sold separately for $6,800.
ITEM LD-0005
Eight Minutes of Tim’s Attention
Eight consecutive minutes during which Tim will attempt to listen without checking a tank, text, calendar, or nearby mechanical noise.
$1,200,000.00
Scheduling window: 2027–2041. Attention not guaranteed.
ITEM LD-0006
Ceiling Tile Naming Rights
Name one ordinary taproom ceiling tile for thirty calendar days. Location selected administratively.
$250,000.00
No plaque. No announcement. Name stored mentally when possible.
ITEM LD-0007
Used Modem Noise on Cassette
A professionally dubbed recording of the Internet attempting to happen. Side B contains additional silence.
$88,888.00
Cassette player, modem, and Internet not included.
ITEM LD-0008
Desktop Wallpaper Collection
Three Low Daily images in the luxurious 640×480 BMP format. One is merely blue.
$21,500.00
Delivered across thirty-seven floppy disks over several weeks.
ITEM LD-0009
Emergency Pint Button
A large red button labeled “EMERGENCY PINT.” It is not connected to anything and does not summon a pint.
$64,000.00
Button functionality sold separately and does not exist.
ITEM LD-0010
Tuesday
Temporary Burlington-area rights to one Tuesday, valid from 4–8pm Central Time. You must provide the Tuesday.
$7,999,999.00
Monday and Wednesday unaffected. Holidays excluded.
IMPORTANT: THESE PRODUCTS ARE FAKE, UNAVAILABLE, AND NOT FOR SALE. PRICES DO NOT INCLUDE TAX, SHIPPING, REALITY, OR COMMON SENSE.
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